also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
