I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
