i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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