My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
