I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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