On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
