Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
