Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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