So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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