Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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