I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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