I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass