Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
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Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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