She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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