just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
