My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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