I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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