the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
