I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Randomize
