I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
