babies were throwing up all over the place
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
