I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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