I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
