i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
