I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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