oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
