i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
