He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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