Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dicks are not precious.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
