You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
