he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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