I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize