i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
