oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
