woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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