I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
