I think I died a long time ago.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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