I love having hate sex.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
