The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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