I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
