I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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