I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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