Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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