I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
