Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize