Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
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yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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