I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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