Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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