Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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