i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
