If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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