If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
