Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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