Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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